The Complicated World of Sex: The same things that can be magical and mind-blowing to some can cause fear, shame, and even trauma to others. These emotions can make it difficult to ask questions, clear up misunderstandings, and destroy weird fallacies and sex myths about something that most people are initially uncomfortable about.
Many of our feelings about sex, and whether we feel empowered or embarrassed by it, have to do with how sex was discussed in our upbringing or what experiences we ourselves have had through personal exploration. Other shared feelings arise in accordance with our own perceived morals about the act of sex and how our behavior aligns with those beliefs. It’s a tricky and very personal topic. Intense emotions about what is right and what is wrong can also be easily aroused when we talk about sex. Have you ever noticed how much people love to invent things about sex? It’s usually such a juicy “off limits” topic that myths and misunderstandings are born in abundance.
Let’s clear up the lingering misunderstandings that you weren’t so sure about since high school lunch. It’s way overdue! It’s time to rid your brain of some of these “I wonder …”
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Myth # 1: Your vagina can get “stretched” or “loose” and never return.
Whether it’s the idea of having many (or maybe just more than one) sexual partners, having a baby, a well-endowed partner, or even rough sex, people love to talk about the vagina like it is sensitive and can easily ruined forever. stretched out never to become “normal” again.
You’ll be happy to know that this just isn’t a thing! What’s one thing people who make women feel bad, enjoy sex or take pleasure in having more than one partner in life, or scare women about to give birth.
The vagina is actually amazingly adaptable, and anatomically speaking, it alone debunks that myth. The tissue in the vaginal canal is made up of something called a “rugae”. Vaginal rugae are accordion-like folds of tissue that are used to stretch, open, and contain babies and penises (or other things) without “ruining” the vagina. So don’t worry, your vagina is just as beautiful as ever, it’s designed to endure childbirth, sex, fun, etc and then skillfully return to where it once was (although it can be weeks after a baby). Thank you body for the good design.
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Myth # 2: Penetrative sex alone is all a woman needs to orgasm.
That would be nice and all … but it’s just not that easy. We ladies are complex beings, am I right? If it’s not that easy for you, you are not alone.
The truth is that the majority of women do not experience orgasm during penetrative sex – the clitoris must be stimulated in order to experience orgasm.
It doesn’t mean that during penetrative sex, the clitoris cannot be stimulated at the same time and you and your partner can get what you need at the same time. Anatomically speaking, this is not as easy for some people as it is for others, depending on how high or low the clitoris is in relation to the vaginal opening. If achieving orgasm during sex doesn’t happen often, consider adding more foreplay, romance, slowing down and asking your partner to focus on where it matters! For women, this is your clitoris. Is it just me or could we think of a more appealing word?
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Myth # 3: It’s normal for sex to hurt (even a little).
It’s time to leave that myth in the rearview mirror. If sex is painful for you, there are many ways that you can change that, and it totally is Not normal. You don’t have to be a martyr and make it work, understand? Sure, sometimes depending on where you are in your cycle or how long your vagina is and how long your partner’s penis is, a particular “too deep” position can cause discomfort that may require readjustment for less deep penetration to learn simple solution and should solve the problem.
Are the pinching, pulling, sharp, poking, pain, burning, or bleeding that occur regularly during sex not normal.
First, plan a trip to the gynecologist or midwife in your area for help with this problem. If your concern is not taken seriously, you seriously need a new provider. Rest assured, however, that most providers are now aware and aware of these types of issues. You may be given sexually transmitted disease tests to make sure inflammation is not causing pain, and you will likely get a pelvic exam as well. If everything looks normal with your lab work and physical exam, the next step is to request a referral for pelvic floor physiotherapy. Depending on your insurance, you may need a provider to refer you or you can transfer yourself. This is a great first step in resolving pelvic pain relative to gender. Just say no to deal with it!
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Myth # 4: If I don’t apply enough vaginal lubrication during sex, then I’m not turned on (or something is wrong with me.)
The myth that women who are not “wet” are not turned on is not entirely true.
Partners often associate vaginal wetness with “how are you” to please their partner in bed, when this is often not 100% associated.
Vaginal lubrication; How and what your body produces is also different for everyone. There is no such thing as a “right amount”. Where you are in your cycle, how much foreplay is involved before sex, and whether or not you are using hormonal birth control are all factors that contribute to “getting wet”. Sometimes your own vaginal lubrication just can’t keep up with the task after a long sex session and you may need to bring in outside help (that’s fine, nothing is wrong). If you’re curious and want to get into some science, I like this article from the company that makes my favorite period tracking app: Clue. The most important thing to know without preoccupying yourself is that communication is key.
1. If you need more stimulation or foreplay to get enough vaginal moisture to make sex feel good to you, talk about it!
2. If you have birth control and always struggle with vaginal wetness, it is likely a hormonal side effect and having a handy dandy bottle of lube helps to make sex more comfortable. This is perfectly fine. Let your partner know that this is a side benefit of preventing pregnancy. No problem.
3. If you don’t understand this side effect that much, check out my article here on non-hormonal birth control – maybe you want to switch?
If you find yourself never really feeling like sex and never getting much wet while trying, consider your emotional health, breastfeeding, birth control, and menopause as factors that can lead to low libido. Low libido is a condition that you should feel comfortable about asking for help from your therapist or gynecologist.
Sexual health is normal health care and deserves loving care and attention.
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Myth # 5: blue balls.
The hard, cold truth is that such a thing just doesn’t exist. Can someone shout this from the high school bleachers, the boys lied to you! Scientists and doctors confirm that if men do not ejaculate after any form of arousal, they may experience mild discomfort even with a full erection, but no major damage, actual “blue formation” of the testicles or severe numbness or pain. This applies in particular to the effect that a woman should never feel guilty for sex or sexual acts out of responsibility in order to save the man in question from “pain”. “Blue Balls” is probably something horny high school boys created to lie in. Yikes Call them out ladies.
Hope I dispelled at least one myth for your readers today!
The more you know when it comes to sex, the more comfortable, empowered, and strong you will be.
Maybe get out there and share a few of these broken myths – they are great conversation starters when you’re feeling a little embalmed.